From the porch
Fantasy Lights and an almost trip to jail
Dwight Otwell

Other than almost getting thrown in the Gatlinburg jail, Susan and I had a great wedding anniversary weekend.

We left Friday morning for our motel in Pigeon Forge. We were delighted with our room, which had a jacuzzi and gas fireplace.

That afternoon we ate at one of my favorite restaurants, the Apple Barn. Whether you want them or not, they bring you apple fritters, a salad, homemade mashed potatoes, bread and an apple julep drink. Then, you order your meal, which includes dessert. The apple fritters, along with apple butter, are an absolute gastronomical delight.

That evening we headed for downtown Gatlinburg for the Fantasy of Lights Christmas Parade. We left early to find a parking space because people come from near and far to see this parade.

The multitude lined the sidewalks three and four people deep. I spotted a small island at an intersection that would be a perfect vantage point to see the parade. Only four or five people were on the small island, which also had some city lighted decorations, such as reindeer and a Santa Claus.

I pulled Susan across the street and we prepared to climb onto the prize parade viewing platform. As I was about to reach back to help Susan up, I was startled to see that the four or five people I had spotted on the island were all members of Gatlinburg’s Finest. Before the police could collar us we beat it and made our way back to the sidewalk.

I was disappointed that my discovery of the perfect place was manned only by police there to control traffic and the crowd. But I was glad we didn’t have to spend our anniversary celebration weekend in the slammer.

The parade was colorful and interesting. I snapped some pictures of the Hiwassee Dam Band, which had a float in the parade.

One of the horses in the parade somehow missed his baggie when the call of nature struck. The crowd got into calling out to marchers and dancers to watch out for the pile in the middle of the street. Most marchers, even dancers twirling and kicking, avoided the mess. However, when someone stepped into it, even after warnings from the crowd, applause broke forth from both sides of the street. It’s amazing what entertains and fascinates us.

Saturday morning I went down to the breakfast room to get coffee. People were sitting at tables in the room eating their continental breakfasts.

But the door was locked. One couple came to the door and discovered that they were locked in.

I thought of the line from the Eagles’ old song “Hotel California” - “You can check in anytime you want, but you can never leave”. That may be true, because I saw the same couple the next morning in the breakfast room. I wondered if they had been there for 24 hours. I discovered that you could enter and leave by a door marked “Private”. The woman who sets up the breakfast told me she always locks the main door at 9:30 a.m.

We did some shopping for some items we couldn’t find back home. Driving the congested main road we saw a marriage chapel that had a sign advertising drive-through weddings. I was astonished. A couple was at the drive-through window and the man who performs the ceremony was leaning out the window apparently signing a marriage certificate. I wonder if he asked them if they wanted fries to go with that wedding.

Saturday night, we walked from our motel to the Comedy Barn. I was surprised to discover that the tickets I purchased over the Internet provided us seats on the front row - center.

I was delighted until it appeared that a comedian/ ventriloquist was pointing at me to be part of an act. Susan said my eyes got as wide as a pair of jumbo overalls. However, he was pointing at the man sitting next to me.

The only audience participation I was ever in at a show was in Hawaii where they pulled me on stage and I was surrounded by swaying Hula dancers. That was actually not too bad. Also, a magician stole my watch right off my wrist without my being aware of it.

But I could have easily done the part my next-seat neighbor did at the Comedy Barn. At the correct time, he was required to jump from his seat, turn to the audience, wave his arms in the air and make strange sounds like a maniac. I do that every Tuesday morning on deadline day.

The show was hilarious and it didn’t contain one cuss word. A spokesman for the Comedy Barn said they started this show because people were beginning to equate comedy with sordid language and lewd behavior. That comes from acts at some comedy clubs and even on comedy shows on television.

With all the jokes, pranks and funny skits, the show ended on a serious note as the cast sang a couple of Christmas songs concerning the main subject of Christmas — Jesus Christ.

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