Wires and Web
Federal security sold separately
By Harrison Keely

Computers, I've decided, can be very much like stray pets. You acquire them over time, sometimes you have to get them "fixed," they eat into your budget and the more you get... the more of a mess you should expect.

There are positives, however. Computers won't claw your carpet or wake you up in the middle of the night or require a bath. In fact- never give your computer a bath.

It's taken me a few years, but I've been able to build a small dictatorship around a menagerie of machines, forcing them to heed my bidding. Throughout that time I've realized that it's easy to compare Macs to a number of things.

So... here I am. I've built a massive army of Apple computers that I've collected over the years. My home is filled with the classic Macintoshes of 1984 vintage and Performas who have lost their spotlight on stage and Apple laptops with tiny black-and-white screens.

Some might argue I own a nursing home, strictly for computers that can no longer function in the real world and for machines that have lost their will to turn on.

Such helpless devices have a sad history, slowly losing their luster as flatscreens, iPods and the triple "W" have changed market demands. It's the way the world has progressed. Anyone who comes home announcing that they spent one thousand bucks on a computer to play The Oregon Trail or tinker with HyperCard is considered an outcast by the majority of society.

I've decided that helping Macs live out their last years in a comfortable environment where they're wanted in spite of their uselessness is an outreach. In another decade, the younger generations of gadgets like iPhones and UMPCs will seek out a place to retire when "all they can do" is wireless Internet and playing movies.

As more devices flood the marketplace and come across the borders, I call for the U.S. Government to set up a fund to help aid, care for and rehabilitate these electronics in their old age. As buyers, it is our duty to put money aside every month after purchasing these devices to instate resources, support and services for them as they grow older.

Through my humble dictatorship, I have found that such electronics require long-term care and a higher quality of retirement after years of public service.

My opinion differs from that of the majority simply because I believe Macs deserve more benefits in old age. Cheap plastic imitations don't deserve support because, frankly, there are not enough taxpayers to support their numbers, which have now grown into the billions. If any device deserves the privilege of being preserved for history, it's a device that changed history.

In addition, any device covered under such a reformed service needs to have a system of survivors' benefits for peripherals and accessories suddenly left widowed. For instance, a first-generation iPod finally fails after being unplugged due to the wishes of its family... Any surviving cases or FM transmitters will need to be covered under some sort of policy.

My goal, and hopefully the government's as well, is to preserve life in these machines as long as possible, no matter the cost.

If you know of an Apple computer that needs a home, please contact hkeely@gmail.com.

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