Google acquired me.
Wires and Web
By Harrison Keely

I'm pleased to announce that Google has acquired me, a person who works for a weekly county newspaper and produces technology articles on a weekly basis.

Google Video and Blogger service users are no strangers to me - I've uploaded and provided numerous blog posts and hundreds of videos.

You've heard me talk a lot about using my skills to improve news flow and media integration. These days, feedback and sharing are necessary parts of communication and by focusing on them, I can make experiencing me easier and more powerful for you.

I'm excited about how Google's technology will contribute to my future down the road. Since they are currently in the phase of research and development with me, it may be some time before you see me.

For media inquiries, please contact press@google.com.

•••••••

If the human race is not careful, its fate will end up at the merciless hands of one multitasking giant who couldn't care less who we are, despite knowing everything about us.

Name me one company founded since 1996 that has 13,748 full-time employees and an annual revenue of nearly 11 billion dollars. In my opinion, anything that grows that quickly is deadly and evil. Kudzu, for example.

The company may be hiding behind their cutesy holiday logos and clean, well-organized home page, but any business that has a hand in radio, print media, the online universe, cell-phone networks, satellite imagery, communication, personal photos and video, education, archiving every book ever written, advertising, office applications, patents and statistics sounds an awfully lot like the government to me.

The U.S. government wants you to believe that NASA is well on its way to developing and launching a Mars mission.

Too late.

NASA has had trouble keeping out of the bar lately, and while they've been fighting consciousness, Google has mapped out the entire surface of the planet in their typical three-demensional fashion and posted it online for the world to see. I suspect ability for martians to geo-tag cell-phone pictures is on Google's to-do list.

Some religions have a sort of the-end-of-the-world-will-come philosophy. A percentage of that includes tribulation and fire and one-world government. But no one ever suspected that the end might come from a two-world government.

Yes. Google will command control of both Earth and Mars, using its patented solar system mapping software against the aliens who permitted it in the first place.

It won't begin as an interplanetary invasion, however. The operation will begin simply and quietly. Within a year Google will inevitably grow tired of acquiring menial corporations and start-ups like YouTube and McDonalds and it will go after the big: Wal-Mart. Home Depot. Bulgaria. EU.

After years of forgiving international debts, the United States itself has stumbled into a hole deeper than it can handle. $8,944,003,382,822.79 is an outstanding number. Current projections suggest that Google's annual revenue will surpass that figure within a decade.

Yes, the United States can be bought. Google, backing Larry Page for president in the 2016 election against Condoleezza Rice, will utilize its enormous AdSense network to further mesh politics and advertising.

Looking for "Larry Page" on eBay? Find "Larry Page" for low prices.

There is no stopping Google's take-over of electronic voting. Both technology pundits and critics have repeatedly chastised the electronic voting system in place. Security flaws and fatal errors plague the machines to the death. Page will undoubtedly stage a coup, sweeping new Google machines into precincts in the dead of night a week before voting day.

You can guess what happens from there. Page wins America. Page sells America. Google is America.

The immediate shutdown of locations like the Pentagon, Area 51, all Citgo gas stations, and, of course, Maryland, will signal conservative groups to begin blogging, theorizing that the aforementioned institutions have been moved to the Googleplex in Mountain View, California. Purely coincidentally, Mountain View may be dubbed the "New D.C." and Schwarzenegger will be enlisted as supreme chancellor.

After realizing that Google is "bringing the brimstone," conservative bloggers will be unable to post to their Blogger accounts due to Google censorship, a feature carried over from Google's China endeavors.

(We thought Tiananmen Square was all...)

I wouldn't be surprised if Google, having acquired every ISP and merged them into one GSP, would block the blogging feature altogether, redirecting sites like Google LiveJournal and Google WordPress to Alpacanation. com.

If you're looking for a nice fiber to add to your herd, you just found the Victor! With dense, crimpy fiber, Victor's fiber is a spinner's delight!!!

The decline of mankind is at our fingertips. Like a breeding alpaca, Google will not stop until it's too late.

To comment on this article, email Harrison at hkeely@gmail.com.

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