From the porch
So cheap - Is oxygen included?
By Dwight Otwell

In mid-December, Susan and I are going to see the bright lights of Pigeon Forge and Dollywood.

We heard that a motel that we booked last year has rooms for $38 a night. It is a great motel. During our stay last year we had a fireplace, jacuzzi and balcony overlooking the lights of the city. But the room cost much more than $38.

We knew that the cheap room wouldn't have all the amenities of last year's room. But we don't plan on spending a lot of time in the room. Susan has never been to Dollywood and I have never been there during the Christmas season.

So Susan called the motel to make reservations for Friday and Saturday nights.

"I hope you don't mind heights," the motel clerk on the other end of the phone said.

Just how high is he talking about, I wondered. He said it was the top floor.

I later began to have doubts about what we would get for

38. Maybe there are no stairs or elevator to the top floor. Maybe you have to scale the outside of the building to reach our balcony, which must be perched in the clouds.

Will the motel supply the grappling hooks, I wondered. I must tell Susan to forget suitcases. We will have to carry extra clothes and sundries in backpacks.

Maybe the room doesn't have any furniture. In that case, we'll need sleeping bags. Maybe the room is so high that they can't pump water that far.

They told us that the room has a balcony but it is on the back of the motel. What does it face? - a landfill or the cement side of an old industrial building. Perhaps, our scenic view will include a mountainside devoid of all vegetation since it is at such a high altitude that nothing can grow. In that case, we'll also need to carry oxygen.

All of these thoughts have me wondering if the room is worth $38. Perhaps I should call the motel back and negotiate a lower price - maybe $5.

Now I'm wondering if we will even get to Dollywood. It may take us all night to get to our room. Then, we won't want to come back down until its time to go home.

I'm having second thoughts about this weekend getaway. Maybe we'll just seclude ourselves in our storage shed for two days.

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